So, it’s been a few weeks since I wrote. Not much has changed on my end. At my last appointment, blood work was good, BP was on the low side again, but we chatted and things are looking good.
Mentally, in the last week, things have taken a turn. It was bound to happen. The triggers were going to find me. At first I didn’t realize why I wasn’t sleeping again because I was distracted by other things. Until I found out a loved one has Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It’s devastating, unfair and way too close to home. For her, I’m trying to focus on one test at a time right now, guide her in anyway I can and we will know more by the end of the week.
So, of course I start reflecting on how my I received my diagnosis, the scans and visits and port placement and, oh shit, it’s my chemo “anniversary”. I have my CT scans in 2 weeks…cue all the emotions. This is why I haven’t been sleeping.
Thankfully I had a visit with the psychologist at MSK already scheduled. She suggested trying something new for sleep. I tried it for 4 nights and it worked, but it made me feel “not right”. I can’t explain it, but it kinda heightened my sadness and anxiety. So, last night I was up. I tried taking an Ativan, put in an earbud and did my usual meditation. I was still wide awake after 30 minutes of meditating. Dog had to go out, so I let out and plopped myself on the couch. There was actually something comforting and relaxing to not fighting to get to sleep. I was awake and just rolled with it. At 2:30, I decided to try going back to bed. Next thing I knew Jeff was gently waking me up and it was 7:17am. He knew I had a rough night and stayed behind to help with the boys. He’s my hero.
I got myself going, got the kids out the door, ate, had a second cup of coffee…well, guess I’m UP NOW! I got dressed, put on makeup and went grocery shopping.
When I’m busy, I’m ok. I feel good. I feel normal, upbeat, happy even.
But today I crashed. By the time I reached the car with the cart full of groceries, I didn’t know how I was going to get the groceries in the house. I was done. I sat on the bumper of the car, took a chance and texted Jeff to see if he was in the area. He called right away and said he was nearby. I told him I needed help. (Asking for help is very difficult for me, but I have learned not to push myself) He dropped everything to meet me at the house. Again, my hero.
I’m going back to my counselor next week and I found an online support group that starts up in June. I knew I was going to get back to this point, so I’m prepared.
Monday the 13th are my scans.
Friday the 17th is my 100th day. I have an appointment with my Transplant doctor to hear the results of the scans and find out what restrictions can be lifted.
Please, send me all of your positive vibes, strength, and love. If you pray, that’s cool. You do you, but I’m asking for vibes. All the good vibes you can muster up.
Thanks for checking in. I love you all. 💜
Coffee and Chemo 