That’s right…it’s been 359 days since my Stem Cell Transplant. Next week is my 1 year Rebirth Day. And right now I feel numb to it.
So, let me back track a bit. The past few months have been amazing. My check ups have gone well. Scans in December looked great. I do have some scarring in my right lung, it is permanent (bronchiectasis) and probably from radiation. I just have to be careful of any cough or difficulty breathing and report it immediately.
In August I took a girl’s trip to FL with my girl Jen, to see Steve. It was the most awesome thing I might have ever done. I had the freaking best time.
We went back to FL as a family for Thanksgiving, which was amazing to be able to do again. Cooking dinner, being around the table with Steve for the holiday again felt so good. We made some great memories just being together and enjoying the weather, scenery and food.
I made the conscious decision to do things differently for the holidays. I was looking SO FORWARD to hosting Christmas Eve at our house again. I couldn’t wait to have everyone back under our roof, filling the house with chatter, laughter, excitement, music, love…sounds perfect right? Not going to lie, it wasn’t what I had hoped it to be. There was this weird tone in the air? I couldn’t really put my finger on it, but things felt off. Not everyone was able to attend, the energy was different, but I did my best to ignore it and move on. My sisters did experience a loss in October, so I was conscience of that, but I had just hoped for more joy to be surrounding us…to be surrounding me.
Jeff’s Family Christmas was awesome. I hadn’t seen everyone since Christmas 2017, so it felt great to be present and catch up with everyone. There was also a loss felt at this gathering, but within that loss was love, fond memories and support. It really was a beautiful day.
And then, New Year’s Eve…
I’ve never celebrated NYE. Never understood the hoopla around it. But I really wanted this year to be different. It wound up being the best party I’ve ever had the pleasure of throwing. The countdown was like nothing I had ever experienced. The love and excitement that filled our home was absolutely overwhelming. And now I understand it. I get it. I think this is going to be a new tradition.
Then, the holidays were over, kids went back to school, I got on a schedule at the gym and the silence became deafening. Nothing left to plan or events to look forward to, no more distractions. January started out fine, but as the days dragged on, flashbacks began to happen. It started with a couple of sleepless nights, a flash of a hospital hallway, a memory of something I ate or something I wore, how it felt so lonely in that room…just random, stupid shit. Right now as I sit here, I can hardly hold it together. I just feel this heaviness in my body. It’s just pure sadness. Sadness for what I was put through. Sadness for how Jeff and the boys had to see me–so broken and sick. Sadness for the days I cannot even remember over the course of those 4 weeks.
So, the 1 year mark is looming and I don’t know what to do with it. Celebrate it? Ignore it? Acknowledge it quietly and move on? I don’t know how to navigate this. Maybe just shove my face in cake? (That’s what I REALLY want to do right now.) Yeah, I overeat when I get in this state. Like, bad stuff too…I mean, it’s good, like yummy good, but it’s so so bad. And I have no “off switch” once I start.
Anywho, that’s where I’m at right now. I just have to get past this, and I will. Just right now sucks. Right now I’m in the middle of this thick fog, and I know as the fog begins to lift everything I have to look forward to will shine through. But first, I have to meet with the “Survivor Team” and get a bunch of tests and bloodwork, which will require a day at Sloan in NY in about a week. It should be a hoot-n-nanny. My hope is that once that is over I will be able relax a bit and find some peace.
I love you all so much. Thanks for checking in.💜
Coffee and Chemo 